Hoods up mother fuckers

Living in Jungles

2008-02-13T08:24:24Z

So it's 3:00am.

My anxiety/panic attacks are back. I can't smoke a joint without gettin one.

"Just stop smokin pot".

HA. I mean, yeah I'm going to have to if it keeps happenin but fuck man....really? No pot?

School is bullshit.

Ummm.

Ah fuck it.

If Dogs Could Read

2008-01-15T06:05:04Z

I still remember when I brought you home.
You peed on the floor
but no one blamed you
since you were just a pup.

You barked at the paper mache pig
I brought home from first grade.
That was your first time.
You barked a lot after that.

You would never sleep
at the foot of the bed,
so I'd always have to fight you
for pillow space.

And you always loved it
when someone rubbed your belly.
So much so that you wouldn't
let them stop.

(I wish I did it more often.)

Then last night
I kissed you on your head,
said "You'll always be my pup",
and went to sleep,
somehow knowing that it
would be the last time I could say that to you.

But you'll always be my pup.

Float like a cannonball

2007-12-09T03:12:56Z

WORD!

Wanna hear something funny? I totally forgot I had an LJ.

Ok, last week of school is killin me. 50 hours of work on 3 days? No sweat.

Neeeeeed a new job.

Other than that, we be chillin. Music's comin' back. Met someone sweet as hell. Good times, good times.

Alright, gonna go burn a doob.

Dude, that's crucial

2007-10-27T05:28:08Z

Fuck, no LJ for awhile eh? That's raw power.

Life's been weird recently. Some shit's gone down over the last while and I don't even know what to make of it. I don't think I know how to handle it, either.

The good times come and go, they say. And when they go they seem to take their sweet time away from ya.

Get me out of this town.

hoodsxup @ 2007-09-02T23:21:00

2007-09-03T03:21:26Z

I have to say.
I'm not enjoying what I'm turning into.

HOLLA

2007-08-29T05:21:25Z

hoodsxup @ 2007-08-24T23:03:00

2007-08-25T03:03:41Z

I need out of this town.

Cheers, darlin. I'll just hang around and eat from a can.

2007-08-23T03:05:26Z

So with the click of a button.
The flip of a phone.

It all comes to a grinding hault.

Thanks for the good times, darlin'.

hoodsxup @ 2007-08-22T21:38:00

2007-08-23T01:38:51Z

I'm not going to lie.

I miss the way it used to be.

hoodsxup @ 2007-08-15T21:35:00

2007-08-16T01:53:01Z

When most people see their dad, they see Superman. A rock. A role model. This invincible man that you think will be immortal.

Then he gets older, and starts to deteriorate. Body starts breaking down.

He should be taking care of himself, but he's not. But it's nothing, because he's Superman. You've seen this guy drink like a tank, smoke two packs of cigarettes, and still manage to carry 50 pounds of shingles at a time onto the roof and be fine.

And then you see him in the hospital bed. Trying to get that oxygen in. A tube in his nose and a holister monitor attached to his chest. He cracks his usual jokes, and you think "He's ok", but then you notice that gasp for air. The tired, worn down look in his eye.

-------

I've never really had a traditional father/son relationship with my dad. I was always a little jealous of The Simpsons, or the Taylors, or the Cosbys. They had families. Mine isn't like that.

Dad could leave for an entire month to Italy and I wouldn't give it another thought. Probably because I knew he was coming back.

Last night they got him to the hospital. He couldn't breathe. He was sweaty. He was nauseous.

A valve in his heart totally stopped working. He needs a bypass within the next couple of weeks.

He's so fragile now. So broken.

He's almost gone. It's too soon. He hasn't even passed down any fatherly advice yet. Not on women or life or anything.

God dammit dad, we've wasted so much time.

hoodsxup @ 2007-08-14T01:04:00

2007-08-14T05:07:21Z

A quick update, cause I need to blow off some steam.

God damn school is stressful. Last week left, though. I can't fucking wait.

I'm somehow broke again. God dammit. I need to quit smoking, that's where all the money goes.

One more shot, September 3rd.

Can't wait for second semester.

So fucking tired these days. Work school work school work school school. I've done run out of my mind.

No sleep for me tonight. No siree Bob.

We need to get our shit together. Fast.

Back to work.

hoodsxup @ 2007-07-30T22:13:00

2007-07-31T02:13:39Z

ugh.

Fuck it all to hell.

hoodsxup @ 2007-06-27T21:21:00

2007-06-28T01:24:07Z

So my parents are gone for two weeks. The break will be nice.

School is going ok. I just hope it helps get me somewhere in life.

Ugh. I don't even know why I update this thing anymore.

One liners are the shit.

2007-06-08T02:44:06Z

We could fit seas in the distance between us,
but I guess we'll need a place to swim
when this is over.

hoodsxup @ 2007-06-06T17:59:00

2007-06-06T22:00:01Z

I'm a horrible person.

Enough said.

Did someone say update? No eh? Well, I did, so fuck you.

2007-05-30T04:52:14Z

Point form is where it's at.

-It's been a year now, and it's been amazing. I love you to death.

-Man I love school. I know that sounds pretty gay, but actually doing something productive with my time is really kind of satisfying.

-I wish I could write some songs, but I know I can't force it.

-Damien Rice is my new religion.

hoodsxup @ 2007-05-07T22:13:00

2007-05-08T02:13:22Z

Bahhhhh!

So here we go, school tomorrow.

It's kind of exciting in a sense. But then again, I keep thinking back to highschool. The same, daunting routine every day. Of course I'm sure this will probably be different in a lot of ways, but it's still routine. Hell, everything is a routine.

I guess I just didn't have enough time to mentally prepare for this shit. I found out I got accepted like, what, three, maybe four weeks ago or something?

Ah, well, here we go.

LyKe OMFGZ IM lYke FINALlY UPDATING!

2007-05-04T03:29:10Z

On second thought, nevermind. I don't feel like it right now.

hoodsxup @ 2007-04-11T23:28:00

2007-04-12T03:26:59Z

So uh, yeah.

I got accepted into Digital Media Arts at Seneca.

Bitchin'.

hoodsxup @ 2007-04-11T00:09:00

2007-04-11T04:08:22Z

I'm a jerk.

I'm sorry <3

To The Theme of a Fight Song

2007-04-09T03:08:03Z

Ahem.

Back the fuck off you sleezy fucking cunt.

That is all.

She's My Rushmore

2007-04-03T15:14:43Z

Ugh, this is driving me nuts. I know I should let it die but anyone who knows me knows I'm a stubborn son of a bitch. I just can't stop thinking about it. Ugh, god dammit.

I need to stop thinking about it.

I wish you could just listen to me, if only just once.

Fredrich Nietzsche had the right idea.

You can bring me flowers, babe

2007-03-21T02:24:12Z

Alright. I'm not really in the mood to organize my thoughts into cohesive paragraphs. I'm cranky.

-CT scans are weird, and although brief, somewhat disconcerting.

-I guess I have a tendency to jump to conclusions. However I think I'm right more often than not. That doesn't make it a good thing, though.

-I'm in a fightin' mood.

-I hate getting this feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's one of those butterfly, throw up feelings. I get it a lot lately.

-You know, if it was possible (and it may be, who knows) I'd swear I have both estrogen and testosterone in me. You know, I get the same irratic impulses a male would have, occasionally needing to have a dick measuring contest with other males to prove that I'm of equal or greater...erm...greatness, than the next guy. Then, the other minute, I'm all worrysome, bitching about things that...well, chicks bitch about. I bitch a lot. Well, internally, anyway. If I bitched to anyone else they'd just be all, "Dude, you're such a chick". Haha, I find that somewhat funny. Or maybe this is just my imagination and there's nothing wrong with that, except me buying into the stereotypical male/female roles and all that jazz.

-I need to get into school. Fast. Not even in anything I want to do yet. I just need to get my ass in a classroom setting. I miss being educated. Yeah, that's right. I miss being enlightened, I miss learning new things and all that shit. Hell, I used to feel smart. Sure I wouldn't do a damn thing with it, but at least I knew I was smart and felt I was smart. You know what I feel these days? Well, it's not smart, I can tell you that much.

-I think I need to play more poker. Seriously. When I play poker, I feel like at least my mind is going to use. Calculating odds and outs, planning my moves, putting people on hands, discussing hands on poker forums. That was the most excercise my brain had all year. It's too bad I'm broke and can't afford to lose any money, though. Maybe I'll win a freeroll one day and start with that.

-When I was registering for my CT scan tonight, I got to talking with the nurse. He apparantly was diagnosed with colon cancer at age 20. He had a different outlook on it I guess. I mean, yeah, everyone who goes through what he went through (and I won't get into it cause it's pretty graphic), would probably be all enlightened and shit, but he was a different kind of enlightened. "Dying gives you a different outlook on life", he said laughing. He laughed all the way through the story. Even when he called his doctor's bastards for telling him his hair would grow back after the chemo and it didn't. I don't know why I'm writing about it. I don't know why it stuck with me. It just did.

-My thoughts are all over the place these days. I can't help but feel...weird. Like something about me isn't normal. It could be restlessness. It could be something different. But, whatever it is, I don't know. lol, Christ, ramble much?

-I think that's enough for one day.

-Oh yeah, one more thing. Ray Lamontagne is the nuts.

Amitriptyline 10mg X 2

2007-03-16T04:56:45Z

There's something odd in the way you hold yourself tonight.
Loosely and lacking passion.
The addiction, minus action.

How you keep everyone amazed
at the way your lips contort
to plant a kiss on severed limbs
and the torsos they belong to
is beyond me.

It might just be the medicine
but there's a certain comfort
in the paranoia.
Maybe it's in the illusion.

Those who grind their teeth
suffer a different kind of pleasure.
They dance,
and laugh,
and stay under the weather.
Right where they belong,
with nothing to show for it,
but a black eye
and swollen lymph nodes.

Your eyes glisten with
promises begging to be broken.
Won't you break them, beautiful?
Won't you break me too?

hoodsxup @ 2007-03-08T11:25:00

2007-03-08T16:28:22Z

I hate it when I get like this.

I hate thinking the way I do.

I hate getting this feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I hate what I keep at the back of my mind for no reason other than paranoia.

I hate having to keep it all in.